Brane 3.14


The Lord of Brane 3.14, made Model T Humans about 300 million years ago hoping for a pet with a potential for higher quality entertainment. To test His creation, He put together a game that used Easter Eggs that He could buy from his Uncle Fido, the Lord of Brane 3.141.

He summoned Model T Adam and told him the rules of the Game. Adam looked disoriented and wondered about the god thing. So the god put on a show: an impressive array of miracles that broke every rule of the Game. Adam exclaimed “Jesus! I am bamboozled, Oh Rulebreaker, Oh Rulemaker, Oh Whatever!” The Holy Ghost said to himself, “Yeah, that’s it, Adam.”

So He bought the eggs from his Uncle Fido. Fido, the inveterate prankster, made the eggs so that they started hatching the moment they hit the earth…the rest is history. The humans could neither run nor talk fast enough to get themselves out of trouble.The dinosaurs ate the Model Ts.

It was hard work to catch all the dinosaurs. After they ate their staple, the humans, they started looking for an alternate source of energy. They started eating other critters the Virgin so loved to play with. Jesus could not resurrect the dead ones fast enough! That’s when He asked Stephen Hawking , his half-brother and cosmologist, for a solution. But Stephen refused to help on the grounds that the Holy Ghost was just a figment of wanton imagination. It got Jesus enraged enough to throw a rock the size of Mt. Denali at Stephen. Yes, that is how he got so crippled and all. For the love of unwitting luck, the rock he threw kicked up so much dirt in the air that it started the global winter. It lasted a thousand years. Killed every dino that failed to convert to an evangelical bird. Pretty neat, eh. But so many of the lovely pets lost their species that it made the Lord livid with love. He started a 65 million year war of love with Fido. It was divine to watch how millions of species went poof from the two loving Branes. But that’s another story.

When the war was done God came back to his project with a vengeance. He needed unconditional love, unfettered by the inter-brane rules. He reseeded the earth with a new and improved model of humans about 6000 years ago, as He saz in the good book. He did not mention the dinosaurs in the book nor the war with Fido. Believers can understand, it was a sore subject. Furthermore, He wanted to recount other amusing genocides He prized better.

He did not think humans would be smart enough to dig out those dinosaur bones, especially since Stephen was so crippled and all. But He was wrong.

Crippled or not, Stephen was too smart. Yes, the seed he ate that exposed his genitals was doctored with clever genes by you know who from Brane 3.141. It took men a mere 5900 years to dig up the dinosaur bones and a couple of trillion tons of fossil fuels that Jesus was saving for the fireworks to celebrate his second coming. But the party-pooper humans have burned up about half of it already to blaze a trail of love for the ever hungry and multiplying consumers, generating a bunch of CO2. Global Summer is upon us.

Just like the global winter of eons ago wiped out many a species including the dinosaurs, the Global Summer is ready to unleash itself. Eternally balmy weather. Whales beaching at the footsteps of the Capitol Hill. Djakarta’s airport going underwater by 2050. (But who will be flying by then?)

Holy Xon’s (variously pronounced as “son” or “x-on”) Game is now transparent. Global Summer sits well with the current business model to drain the last drop of oil for the love of exponentially increasing global population of lemmings, er, humans. See humans grow, see humans starve, see humans cannibalize. It is His idea of love. But then, parthenogenetic Mary home-schooled Him, didn’t She. And, We have Stephen’s word that the Xon was never tested with Gom Jabbar.

Perhaps Fido will subvert the Game. He will suck up all that extra CO2 and use it up in his giant soda factory. Just maybe, but maybe, this sucker-upper tornado will rapturously embrace all the terrorists in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, South Korea, Kansas, and Washington D.C. and convert them to phosphoric acid that keeps the soda so fresh tasting. And for humans the good times will continue to roll unabated: zero-down sub-prime mortgages and SUVs for all. Yes, it could happen!

Press on.

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One thought on “Brane 3.14

  1. vonnegut wrote,” if you want to really hurt your parents, and you dont have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. i’m not kidding. the arts are not a way to make a living. they are a very human way of making life more bearable. practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. sing in the shower. dance to the radio. tell stories. write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. do it as well as you possibly can. you will get an enormous reward. you will have created something”.

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